If my suit’s could tell a story

I consider myself fashion forward. What the hell does that even mean?

Let me try that again.

I like looking good. I like dressing well. I like shopping, and I can certainly find something new to buy.

Fashion forward, in my world, is the justification to my own subconscious that I need to buy something new that I didn’t have last season. Since our family began to grow, my spending habits have been curtailed somewhat. But, that doesn’t stop a few choice purchases here and there. I am still a sucker for a Paul Smith shirt or a pair of Oliver Sweeney shoes.

One thing that doesn’t need updating too often, is a black suit. It is probably THE staple of every man’s wardrobe. It is the defacto interview suit, it is the upscale San Francisco wedding suit, and for me it was the stylish ‘I just got engaged’ suit. This week, it will be the suit I wear to bury a friend.

A few weeks ago, a couple of friends were married in San Francisco. Small, chic, very stylish. That was me of course, but the wedding matched perfectly. My friends were married in downtown SF, in a small intimate soiree. It was exquisite in its simplicity, and dramatic in its style. It was everything you could want in a wedding, and it was an honor to be there.

My suit was a black Hugo Boss. I have had it a few years now, it has seen many good nights. And this one in San Francisco was no different. I have always felt comfortable in suits. They hide a multitude of sins, including too much good life and not enough gym time. But for an evening wedding in San Francisco, nothing less than a black suit would do.

Unfortunately, a black suit is also very fitting for a more somber occasion. Tomorrow I will wear it when I carry an old friend on my shoulder, and lay him to rest. I will wear it proud, and I will wear it well. For my friend would have expected nothing less.

Johnny Elizarrey died this week. He was a husband, a Father, a Grandfather, and a friend.

From what I knew about Johnny, he was larger than life. He was friendly, and warm, and giving, and everything I had imagined in an American man. I will miss him.
Tomorrow, when I wear my suit and carry him on my shoulder, I will think of all the good times we have had together with him and his family. And when I am done, I will put my suit away, and it will sit in the closet until the next time I need it.

And if my suits could tell a story, they would say they have seen some good times, and some bad. But whatever times come their way, they are always ready for the next story. I just hope next time they get to see a happier ending.

Man V's Wife

My wife is amazing.

It's hard being a wife. It's even harder when you are also a mother and maybe a working professional as well. These are hard enough when they are in siloed, but when you throw them all into the mix, it is an impossible task to balance.

How do I know it's hard for my wife? Well she tells me! And frankly she has to!

It isn't that I don't recognize what she does for our family, I do. I say it, when I can. But she has to remind me of all the things she does, because sometimes I forget. Sad but true.

In reality, I am in awe of her and how she deals with things, multiple things, and still remains sane. But she has to remind me, because I am a man.

And what does that mean exactly? Well it means I don't do well with remembering stuff. I don't do well multi-tasking and I get distracted easily!

These days I find myself in conversations, being present, nodding in agreement and joining in with certain topics, but there are so many other things going on in my head, that I sometimes walk away and forgot some important detail.

Of course there are factors that contribute to that, particularly with all the craziness of life, but being a man doesn't help. Thats what my wife has to live with. Telling me things for the shopping list, and me forgetting half of them. Asking me to write some thank you cards, and having to put them in front of me before I finally do it. Oh and don't even ask me how birthday parties, Halloween costumes and school supplies happen! They seem to magically appear in the house!

So I try to remember to tell her how amazing she is. But I am ok with her reminding me because it's not easy being a man. But it's much harder being a wife.

One more thing.... addendum...

I just re-read all the shit I wrote when i started this blog in 2005. What. The. Fuck.
I sound like a repressed xenophobe with a passion for drama.
I have changed.
I promise.

One more thing.... It's been Emotional.

http://youtu.be/-U4Pvodwm0U

How long have I been gone? Has it really been 4 years since I wrote on this thing? Shit that is some hiatus.

Over the past few years, many things have changed. I got married. I became a Father.

I cant describe how I feel about those experiences, without reeling off a bunch of superlatives that still wouldn't adequately express the experiences. So I won't try. If you know me, you know exactly how I feel and if you still don't, then ask me.

What else?

Well I am still English, but I have definitely succumbed to the finer things in American life. I bought a house. Its in the suburbs. That's a big one for me, because frankly, the last time I bought a house in the suburbs, I ended up with an ex-wife too! (She wasn't an 'ex' when we first bought the house). The suburbs bored the pants off me back then. And it definitely contributed to my failed marriage. Times have changed though, and so have I.

So I am back. And I have a lot to say.

Brace yourselves.

Hummer H2 - R.I.P.

OK I am not going to make too many snide comments about this, because my boss at work and a good friend of mine both have one. Needless to say they are both Europeans and I think they were a little bit overhwhelmed on their arrival in the US, and felt like they needed to assimilate into their new environment.... or they had the intent to drive over some poor unsuspecting Americans.

But this can't be a bad thing. I dont want to see people lose jobs, or see company's struggle, but in terms of what these cars signify to the environment and the roadway, I wont shed a tear!

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/gate/archive/2007/05/23/notes052307.DTL

What the hell is wrong with you people?

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/PH21781/

Are you taking the piss people? as of 9:53 PST, there are 20,003 e-signatures! I enjoy seeing the paparazzi shots of Paris Hiltons panties ever 3rd day as well, but come on people, this girl will never learn that money cant buy you out of your f**k-ups unless she gets some kind of punishment. I am not saying she should be sent to San Quentin, but some kind of punishment should be dished out here! I can imagine all the dykey inmates at the local jail shaving their backs, arm pits, and nether regions in eager anticipation of nestling down in Paris' hoohoo, in a few days time. Nestling is probably not the right word for it..... but you get the picture!

Sorry, just can't resist these!

'Nuff Said!

A new brand of humour...

On a recent trip back to the UK, I stumbled on a card store. And in there, were some of the funniest and incredibly rude greeting cards I had ever seen. A friend scanned in a couple of them, and here they are for you to enjoy. It does unfortunately mock the afflicted to some extent, but hey, we all have burdens we have to live with.... like my burden of being incredibly attractive.... But I dont take myself too serious, so I would totatlly understand if someone made an amusing greeting card for that!!

Enjoy!

You've seen this before but it's still funny - Part 2

You've seen this before but it's still funny - Part 1

Some things I realised this week...

This week I realised all the things I love about America, and some of the things I don't. The Virginia Tech shooting was probably one of the worst things I have seen broadcast on the TV. The scale may not be as large as 9-11, but the waste of life is the same. My heart goes out to all the families involved, I can not begin to imagine what they must be going through. Despite the tragedy, the stories of heroism and the way the school is pulling together remind me of all the things great about the country.

In the aftermath of these events, it is obvious to question what could have been done differently and how this could have been prevented. Campus lockdown after the first incident.... probably.... More notice taken of the student and his sadistic writings.... maybe.... Ultimately, the person responsible turned out to be of loose mental fiber, and one can argue that he would snap at some point or another. There is no preempting of that.

But I have also listened to a lot of people talking about the gun laws in this country and the 2nd amendment. Whilst I don't agree with gun laws, I know a lot of people do. Something around gun control needs to change in the wake of this. It doesnt have to be the extreme, but there has to be ways to minimise the possibility. I think the weakest argument I heard this week in favour of the gun laws, is that if those students/teachers had had guns themselves, they could have defended themselves, and that would have not been possible without the 2nd amendment. Can you imagine, everyone having a gun just in case something like this happens? I can see the 'Mad Max' society developing!

As a visitor to this country, I am not going to call into question the rules and amendments from way before my time. In fact this week, I just realised how important this issue is to many people. The day after the incident I was in my office, and I made a comment similar to the above, that something (I dont know what) needs to change. I was than basically chewed out by a colleague (a supporter of the gun laws it seems) who basically told me that I didnt understand what the American people wanted, needed or had the right to have.

Maybe I dont, I am not an American by birth, so maybe I dont understand what 'Americans' want. But I can guarantee the Americans I know, do not want, or need another incident like the ones at Virigina Tech.

Returning thoughts... World Cup

A lot happened whilst I was away getting married and enjoying honeymoon.

Most importantly, the World Cup came and went. It was a good tournament with lots of action and incident which have been commented on to death, so I won't bother. However, I feel I need to comment on the performance of England. I watched the sorry performances from start to finish, particularly the penalties against Portugal. There are many things I could say... but my friend Jo sent me an e-mail, and he puts it all a lot better than I do..... Jo said....

"Here is some free advice.....if you do get a chance to go the world cup, go, it will move you and be everything you dreamed of but do yourself a big favor and follow any team, any team at all, from anywhere in the world just as long as it's not England!

Watching England, amongst the best fans in the world, although worryingly some of the ugliest, is even more painful live than on the box (TV). They are, without doubt, the most overrated, under performing, disappointing and generally piss poor football team I saw at the World Cup!"

Thanks Jo, well said!

Back....

.... from my wedding and honeymoon.... more posts coming soon......

Evil dog owners

Most people that own dogs, love them with all their hearts. They are companions and are always treated like part of the family.

But there are always exceptions!

Thanks to Amy, I feel the need to out these people for mistreating their pets.

Be warned, the pictures below may cause serious harm (to your stomach muscles when you are laughing)!










































I have 3 words for you evil dog owners. WHAT THE F**K?

Another Englishman in......

.... Kentucky!

You will all be pleased to know that the invasion is continuing. Not content with giving you Hugh Grant and programs like American Idol! More Brits are hitting these shores with their opinions bristling like Peacock feathers! A fellow Brit, in Kentucky of all places, posted an article on my humble website, and wouldnt you know it, he has a similar site!

I highly recommend you check out the website, particularly if you looking for some alternative World Cup commentary!

Top drawer - http://www.imalegalalien.blogspot.com/

Iron Man?

No, it isnt what you are thinking. When you you see the words 'Iron Man', you automatically think of extremely fit individuals pushing themselves to the furthest levels of exertion, as they run, swim and bike their asses off!

However, thats not the Iron Man I am referring to. No, in fact I am referring to a man.... who Irons. No, it does not sound as interesting, although for some men it would represent the same level of exertion.

So I found an article, where some bright eyed and bushy tailed future of society student has decided that the iron, as a tool, is not used by men (in general) because..... it doesnt look masculine enough!! Well, thats because it isnt masculine, it's an Iron... it isnt supposed to look masculine, in the same way a torque wrench is about as feminine as lipstick on a pig!!

So what does this genius believe is the answer to this gender specific issue? Stripes! Go-faster stripes on the side of the iron! And not only stripes in fact... "It's based on car design and will make ironing sleek and sexy," she added.

Let me just say, I am a man who has been known to iron in the past. I dont particularly enjoy it, but it is a necessary evil some times. I can tell you though, even if they fashioned the iron to be shaped like a huge boob, it wouldnt make me use it more. In fact, I am not sure that an iron could or should ever be described as sleek and sexy. Furthermore, anyone that describes a design for an iron as sleek and sexy, needs to go out and get laid, PFDQ!

Anyway, take a read, and see if you are stiff with eager anticipation of getting to work on that wrinkly old shirt! http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/education/5040172.stm

(OH, and wouldnt you know, the designer is a woman. Probably a very angry one :-)

Thoughts....

I received this from my future father in law, which is a good thing, because it shows I am marrying into a family with a sense of humour! They will need that when dealing with a sarcastic Englishman. These are thoughts for the year! Not all related to this year, but poignant none the less.....

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And the Number 1 thought for the year.......

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.... just a thought!

The perfect wedding photograph...

I am getting married in a few weeks time. The amount of planning that goes into a wedding still amazes me, and I am not doing the majority of the work for it!

But it is a special day and although expensive, the photographs are particularly special and serve as a constant reminder of how wonderful the experience was. So, choosing a photographer is very important. Some are more expensive than others, some offer more of a casual scene and some prefer a photo journalist style. For this reason you have to choose carefully, and really interview your photographer to ensure they are right for your style.

Imagine for example, as you are browsing the photo's of your special day..... the groom looking nervous at the altar, the bride looking beautiful as her father walks her down the aisle, then at that special moment.... when you are about to say "I DO!"..... you get this.......

Classy!!

Horny Pig!

For all you American travellers out there, who are a little bit afraid of venturing out of the good ole US of A, my advice is, be careful if you ever get to Wales!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/5036516.stm

Damn thats a big pig!

As Will Smith said...

.... in the film Men in Black, "this rates about a 9.0 on my weird shit-o-meter!"

I dont know what disturbs me the most about this.... slamming the kitty off the table... eating the cat food.... rubbing it on her face.... or having someone film the whole thing.

http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1692077/

Makes you wonder whats going on in your neighbours house!

Swearing Part 2 - Use of the word F*ck

If ever you needed more proof than this.... http://marinadazza.blogspot.com/2006/05/swearing-use-of-word-fck.html on the utility of the word F*ck!

Here is an official English language training tape: http://www.break.com/index/englishf.html

Now..... "Why dont you go outside and play hide and go f**k yourself!"

Running - Fighting the pain and boredom!

I am a runner. OK let me rephrase that. I attempt to run. Not because I enjoy it, nope, mainly because I feel that if exercise isn't pushing you to the edge of exhaustion, it probably isn't doing you much good. I know some of you will disagree with that.... and I know some people can run all day.... can run marathon's (although god knows why you do John) but for me it is a hard pastime!

There is the physical side of course, the gasping for air, the legs feeling like sacks of spuds! However one of the hardest things, is the boredom!! Clearly running outside is more interesting than the treadmill in a gym.... unless they have TV screens showing images of Jessica Alba doing Yoga in some scantily clad outfit! But unless you have some entertainment gadget strapped to your arm, the boredom is mind numbing!

So I was delighted to read the following report.... http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/5010832.stm

I admire both Nike and Apple for their marketing, some of it is pure genius! And there will be an element of marketing in this new venture of course. But I like the fact that two companies are actually thinking about their customers, and what they need, and at least trying to address some of their desires. Is that their sole motivation? Of course not. It's all about shifting more units!! Selling more runners and iPods is obviously the goal. But, personally, I don't care. Good luck to them I say! And until 24Hour Fitness get that TV screen showing Jessica Alba doing Yoga in some scantily clad outfit, then I might have to purchase these products, if only to fight the boredom and keep me in the constant agony that is running.

Swearing - Use of the word F*ck

Some people love to do it, some people are disgusted by it. But there are times when swearing is perfectly acceptable. And when swearing, nothing is more versatile than the favourite word among expletives…. F*CK!

You can use the word F*CK in so many ways and it really does summarise things perfectly. One example I hear a lot, is when I am playing soccer, and someone hits a bad pass, our coach can be heard shouting…. “That’s F*cking awful!”.

In fact there have been many times in history, when using the word F*CK, would have been considered acceptable! They are…

"What the F*ck do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

"What the F*ck was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

"Where did all those F*ck ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

"Any F*cking idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

"It does so F*cking look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

"How the F*ck did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

"You want WHAT on the F*cking ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

"Where the F*ck are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

"Scattered F*cking showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

"Aw c'mon. Who the F*ck is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

"Geez, I didn't think they'd get this F*cking mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

It's all about marketing - Part 4 - Shaving your balls

Some things need little introduction! All I will say is that there are some genius marketeers out there that really know how to target their market!!

Make sure you use your headphones!
After the main intro bit, use the interactive menu "Where to" section!

http://www.shaveeverywhere.com/

Farting

Now some of you who read this blog on a regular basis (all 3 of you!) are probably wondering..."How come this blog is written by a guy, and one from England, and he hasn't written about farting yet!" - Well, wonder no more!

True, farting is one of the largest hobbies in England, along with train spotting and bird watching. Infact you dont even have to fart for it to be funny. It is also one of the funniest topics of conversation you can have. Talking about farting always seems to raise a smile, people share their best fart stories, and everyone else just roles around at the general hilarity of the content.

Example.... last night I went out for dinner, and there was a very interesting moment where we thought someone was leaning over to break wind, only to be disappointed that they actually had a cramp in their leg. That obviously led to multiple fart stories and more fart noise impressions!

I also love old people who fart. Obviously not if I am in wafting distance, but I love the fact that they have no fear when letting when go, and no remorse when they have released it! They could be taking ballroom dancing lessons, they could be in church or just walking down the street and generally there is an 'eau de fart' whiff that follows them. I say thats a great thing, they have been around this world longer than I have, they have seen a lot of stuff and they deserve to do what they want! I say let them fart!

Whats also good about farting, is there are so many terms for it. A Fart is a fart.... but it is more than that. It can be a: Dutch oven; air biscuit; bottom burp; trump; shitwhiff; passing gas; crop dusting; flatulence; weapon of ass destruction; stinkin up the place; SBD (Silent But Deadly).... and all with the same effect!

Now that being said, what I dont like, is the phantom fart blower that seems to frequent the Horseshoe Tavern on Chestnut Street. The last few times I have been in there, some friend of society has dropped gas so bad, the crowd around the bar acted as if the cops had thrown tear gas in to break up a riot! People were crying, nasal passages were bleading, and my pint of Stella went flat!! These kind of actions should not be tolerated! Infact we may need to add this to the decor, and have some serious fines for those who break the rules!

Anyway, I hope this story has prompted you to remember with fondness, your best farting story. I know you have one :-)

In the meantime, here is something for all you couples out there, I hope this never happened to you

Golf and wisdom of the older generation!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it and I have faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt." Before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.

"The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.

"The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.
"Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.

"The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to the her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

The Family

From time to time, we all face challenges with our family. We love them and they drive us nuts at the same time! I am sure you all have challenges out there, two quotes that I like, which sum up how I feel about family:

A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden.
- Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George F. Burns, American Comedian, 1896 to 1996

At the end of the day, families wont always see eye to eye, and there needs to be understanding from all sides to make things work!

Language Lessons 4 - The North of England

English..... American..... is it the same language? Thankfully No!

Dont worry, this blog will not degenerate into a scathing attack of the 'American' language. Far from it actually!

I am delighted that the Americans have taken the English language for their own and adapted it to suit their own needs (albeit they still need help with spelling!). But without this development, and some would say refinement, we would have missed out on some of the more descriptive terms in today's society!

In the past I have extolled the wonderous American terms such as Fupa and Gunt( http://marinadazza.blogspot.com/2005/11/language-lessons-2.html ). I don't know where I would be today if I couldn't use such words. Thanks Rose and Jay!

Now it is those Northerners in England who are moulding the English language to comic effect! Thanks to LW, for sending this on. This is a real document developed for the National Health Service (NHS) in Doncaster. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Doncaster, it is a small town in the North of England, and can be best described by clicking here.
(Please understand I am not criticising the North of England. I am myself from the North of England and proud of it. But also proud not to be from Doncaster!)

Anyway, the document itself was prepared for non-local health workers from around the world that may have the (unfortunate) task of working in the town. Think of the document as a urban dictionary for the North of England, to enable those non-local health workers to understand what the F**K their patients are talking about. It contains choice translations such as the following:-

LOCAL TERM: I'm Champion!
TRANSLATED TERM: I am feeling great thank you!

LOCAL TERM: Squits
TRANSLATED TERM: Diarrhoea

LOCAL TERM: Barnsley's at home
TRANSLATED TERM: Menstruating

I could go on forever, but the document is best viewed in it's entirety! You will notice that there seem to be an inordinate amount of phrases for male and female genitalia. I do not know the reason for this, but it would seem to indicate a fascination with those body parts! Please enjoy the document, study it and next time you see me in the street, I hope to hear you are 'Champion'! (PS. If you have 'fishdocks', please do not tell me!)

Enjoy - http://www.box.net/public/static/15yovcqmpf.pdf

(STRANGE FACT - When I ran the spell check on this article, Doncaster came out as spelt incorrectly, and it offered the following suggested replacement: Densest! No shit! :-)

Final new map... Geo-political map...

... from the United Nations:

Second new world map....

... released from US State Department - click on image for larger view...



Looks good!