I was kidnapped this weekend!

Glossary of Terms:
(1) Stella: Stella Artois premium lager/beer. Almost impossible to drink just one. AKA: The fighting drink.
(2) The Thirst: That overwhelming desire that can only be quenched with copious pints of Stella (see above). Often leads to boisterous shouting of opinions and extremely irrational arguments.
(3) Spoof: A game to decide who has to go and collect the Burrito’s following an attack of 'the thirst' (see above). Usually results in Gidders being reprimanded for ‘gloating’.

A regular Saturday morning began with me waking from my slumber having had 4 hours of sleep and heading out for a game of golf. Little did I know when I left that morning, that by the time I had returned and agreed to a quick pint of Stella(1) with my fellow golfers that afternoon, that I would be kidnapped. Not only was I held against my will, I was made to do unspeakable things, and my fiancee was forced to rescue me.

My ordeal began when I realised that my fellow golf partners had developed ‘the thirst’(2) following a bad day on the links. The first signs of this ‘thirst’ behaviour came when I noticed we were giving one golfer some very very good advice, sadly not about his golf game, more importantly it was about how to ‘woo’ a woman. This included generally not telling the prospective date, that “You would never find me in the kitchen cooking a meal!”. This we pointed out, is generally recognised to be a bad idea. But even I did not fully anticipate the fate that awaited me. A dark corner of Chestnut street (AKA. The end of the bar in The Horseshow) was to become my new home for what seemed like an eternity.

From here, the details get a little fuzzy, due to the trauma (and the alcohol). From what I can remember, I was physically manhandled on to a bar stool and made sure I couldn’t move. I was forced to adjudicate a game of ‘Spoof’ (3) which had serious repercussions for the gloaters in the group, and I was forced TOTALLY against my will to down shots of Bushmills whiskey in-between pints of Stella. My kidnappers quickly degenerated into much shouting about football and further advice on “what women really want!”.

The good news, is that my release was eventually secured by my chief negotiator – AKA. the Missus! She had to use all her powers of persuasion and cunning (as well as a lot of patience) to secure my release. I can tell you, it was a harrowing experience. What is even more frightening, is that I received a threatening voicemail yesterday, implying that I would be kidnapped again next week. From now on, I am carrying a Tazer… and hollow boots!